Explanations and Reasonings.

"Let me explain," she started, her voice confident, her meaning absolute. The words existed in her head. They were already breathing, a horse behind a derby gate. Hesitation was not an option. The gate would either be opened calmly or destroyed, her choice. 

"I can explain," she reiterated, the surety sliding a bit. Perhaps the horse could wait a bit longer. He was mature-his training was near completion. He was not a young colt anymore. Movement was his preference, but not his only option. Patience had begun to take root in him. Perhaps he could afford to use a bit of it. This was not procrastination. It was just a way to bide the little time she had left.

He looked at her, questions bubbling to the surface of his eyes. His emotions rarely escaped drowning in his deeply private soul, but on occasions such as this, confusion was the life raft. The tears began to form. Little by little, one by one, they gathered where he could see them. He fought them with batting eyes and self conscious blinks, but the dam had burst. The damage had been done. 

She looked at him, the first time that night. Truly looked. She gasped a bit, sucking in the tenuous air between them, enchanted by what she saw. Diamonds were running down his face. They were tinted with embarrassment and tinged in despair, but they were raw. They were real. And suddenly, her well thought out words were not. The horse-that horse that she had groomed to perfection with reasoning and logic and endless comparisons-that horse wandered away from the gate and into the subconscious soul from whence he came. And she was free. She continued to stare as she silently grasped his hand,  a sensation stronger than reason filling its leftover space. And then they created their jewels together. The diamonds rolled down their lovely faces and dripped onto each other's shoulders. A harmony of riches dripped to the dirt below them. A rosebush later took root there. 

Love cannot be explained away, I suppose. 

PS- No, this is not a true story. But what a beautiful thing to assume.  

Presently

She had created, within herself, a whirlwind of possibilities. It swirled and twirled and dashed and destroyed, leaving nothing but shattered illusion of reality in its wake. You could see it billowing through her soulful eyes, hear it crashing through her voice. As she breathed, it grew stronger. The air that she gasped steadily increased upon itself, never escaping the prison of her mind, never growing smaller. It ballooned and swelled and snarled and gnashed its terrible teeth and roared its terrible roar- it wanted the space of her soul's home. It wanted everything- her heart, her lungs, her mind- and in the end, it wanted nothing more than her lifeblood, the flow of her existence that sustained her day by unforgiving day. She laid in bed each night, feeling the possibilities overtake her. They were a physical, monstrous being, combined as Medusa's snakes. Varying by difference, diligent in purpose. Simply to destroy the present. End the existing in constant hope for a better tomorrow. Take away opportunities at hand by dangling the enticing, nonexistent ones before her imagination. The donkey's carrot. To her, these were not the gales of destruction. Oh, no. They were the supportive winds, the ones that kept her upright and pushed her towards new things. Shoved her towards forgetfulness. Forced her into the greener side of the grass. And so she was conscious. And so she died. Bound by the flaxen cord of the  possibilities of tomorrow. 

oh and ps..

Ps.
Sorry I have been such a bad blogger as of late. I have been both busy and lazy.. A lethal combination. I have also been a bad runner and and slightly bad friend and a very bad YSA 50th Ward Member (I have yet to fill out the form that was due two days ago). So please, don't feel picked on. I'm cleaning up my act, I promise I am. Things that you have all missed out on because of my terrible blogging habits:

1) Heritage Tours- I actually had a post written out and almost finished all about tour. But then it was boring and then the pictures wouldn't load and then I gave up. But those three weeks? Best three weeks of my life. Here is a single picture to prove my point.  

                                                                                                                 
Ok. So maybe this single picture does a total of nothing to prove my point. But it's beautiful, sorta, and tour was definitely beautiful. See the connections being made here?

2) Hiking Timp- Karli and I and our daddies hiked Timp. It was gorgeous. We aren't the best hikers in the world, but we did it. And I'm scared of heights. Terrified of heights, in fact. And I did it. So yeah, that was pretty amazing. Not that I did it. Just the mountain. The mountain was pretty amazing.

3) Hiking Kings Peak- A week later and badda boom. We did another, much longer, backpacking adventure/ climbing the highest peak in Utah. So yeah, there ya go. I've been up higher than most of you suckers. But don't worry, you have nowhere to go but up.. hehe. See what I did there? Ahh. My sense of humor is impeccable.

4) A bunch of nothingness combined with some pretty happy/pretty stressful/pretty exciting times. As is life. Have a wonderful day and I'll see you sooner than later... This time I mean it.

College and Other Things That I Am Hiding From

Lately my life has felt like a floating mess, a jumble of what ifs and have nots and if onlys. A mess of maybes, as some would say. I'm leaving soon. Life is about to change drastically, whether or not I want it to. I'm terrified, I'm anxious, and I can't decided if I am in fact happy about it or not. It's been something I've waited for since before I can remember.. College has always been just past the horizon. I remember as a little girl, I was sitting in the backseat of the car, driving home with my parents from my favorite place in the whole world, my Grandma Anne's house. It was late and I was tired, and for some reason, a wave of terror swept over me. "Mommy?" I implored, "I won't ever have to leave you, will I?" My parents chuckled, the way adults react to things that only they, in their vast wisdom and experience, can understand. They looked at each other, smiling a bit, and then my mommy replied, "Sammy? When you're 17, you will be more than ready to get away from us." I was shocked. How could my mother, my MOTHER, of all people, be telling me that I wouldn't always want to live with her and dad? It made no sense, to my six year young mind. I sat back in my seat, rocked to the very core, and convinced that my mommy had just experienced the rare occasion of her being wrong. I vowed to myself that I would never want to leave my parents. I would never reach that seemingly forever away age of 17 and stop loving them. It just wouldn't happen. I swore to myself that it would never happen.
And oh boy, did I break that promise to myself. I have not stopped loving my parents, don't get me wrong. They are everything to me. They have provided the means and pushed me towards the opportunities that I needed to eventually move away and start on my own. But I think I'm ready for my own life to begin. I think it's time to start living the way that I see fit for myself- making my own decisions and being fully accountable for my vast array of mistakes. It's time. And there is SO much to be accomplished! It's overwhelming. There are things coming up that I can't even fathom yet. So much so that I sometimes just spend the mornings hiding in my room, watching "Julie and Julia" and crying over how beautiful their lives are and how mine can't come close to comparing. I literally have not left my room yet today because I know something is coming that I don't want to face. Perhaps if I just wall myself up in the house of my childhood and hide underneath the blankets that were previously my fortress against monsters in the closet and zombies underneath my bed (do zombies hide underneath beds? A question that I can't quite seem to find the answer for anywhere). If these sheets protected me from monsters, they can surely protect me against growing up. It's just that simple.
Can you tell that I'm not quite sure how or what or even where I want to be? I just wanna be me. And I guess I could say that I don't want anything to change that. Not even college. Not even age. Not even time.. This is ridiculous. I need to get up.