Lately my life has felt like a floating mess, a jumble of what ifs and have nots and if onlys. A mess of maybes, as some would say. I'm leaving soon. Life is about to change drastically, whether or not I want it to. I'm terrified, I'm anxious, and I can't decided if I am in fact happy about it or not. It's been something I've waited for since before I can remember.. College has always been just past the horizon. I remember as a little girl, I was sitting in the backseat of the car, driving home with my parents from my favorite place in the whole world, my Grandma Anne's house. It was late and I was tired, and for some reason, a wave of terror swept over me. "Mommy?" I implored, "I won't ever have to leave you, will I?" My parents chuckled, the way adults react to things that only they, in their vast wisdom and experience, can understand. They looked at each other, smiling a bit, and then my mommy replied, "Sammy? When you're 17, you will be more than ready to get away from us." I was shocked. How could my mother, my MOTHER, of all people, be telling me that I wouldn't always want to live with her and dad? It made no sense, to my six year young mind. I sat back in my seat, rocked to the very core, and convinced that my mommy had just experienced the rare occasion of her being wrong. I vowed to myself that I would never want to leave my parents. I would never reach that seemingly forever away age of 17 and stop loving them. It just wouldn't happen. I swore to myself that it would never happen.
And oh boy, did I break that promise to myself. I have not stopped loving my parents, don't get me wrong. They are everything to me. They have provided the means and pushed me towards the opportunities that I needed to eventually move away and start on my own. But I think I'm ready for my own life to begin. I think it's time to start living the way that I see fit for myself- making my own decisions and being fully accountable for my vast array of mistakes. It's time. And there is SO much to be accomplished! It's overwhelming. There are things coming up that I can't even fathom yet. So much so that I sometimes just spend the mornings hiding in my room, watching "Julie and Julia" and crying over how beautiful their lives are and how mine can't come close to comparing. I literally have not left my room yet today because I know something is coming that I don't want to face. Perhaps if I just wall myself up in the house of my childhood and hide underneath the blankets that were previously my fortress against monsters in the closet and zombies underneath my bed (do zombies hide underneath beds? A question that I can't quite seem to find the answer for anywhere). If these sheets protected me from monsters, they can surely protect me against growing up. It's just that simple.
Can you tell that I'm not quite sure how or what or even where I want to be? I just wanna be me. And I guess I could say that I don't want anything to change that. Not even college. Not even age. Not even time.. This is ridiculous. I need to get up.
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